This semester I have committed to making space for me throughout the week to worship with others outside of Sunday Church or even my weekly small group.  I have found it is helpful to be around others worshipping as well as giving myself more intentional opportunities to hear the Lord speak to me and my broken heart.  It is an effort to counteract my self preserving coping skill of checking out. What this has looked like for me is attending Wednesday Chapel at Asbury as well as going to the once a month woman's communion evening get together.

Over the semester many times I have found myself walked into Chapel, putting my things down in the pew, and pausing to take a deep breath and let all the little things of life that I am carrying fall off me.  Some of these things include the daily grind of work and my to do list. And instead, I have time and space to lean into the other areas of my life. Likewise woman's communion has been a safe place for me to cry if I need and to process and work through the hard of life.

This week's woman's communion, like so many in the past, did not leave me without tears in my eyes.  This weeks included dinner, so we feasted and talked with others around the table. And then some woman shared their stories with us.  After we heard stories the speaker for the evening had different symbolic items, sea shells, roses, chocolate, etc. that you were instructed to take if what she said was true of you and then we would pray for that group of people that went forward and received the item. One 'grouping" of people were for woman that had lost a child, had concern for a child, grieving for a child, or something along those lines.  Not necessarily your child but a child.

As the speaker was describing this group my lovely friend Kim put her hand on my back.  I do not know why she did but I know that it was an encouragement. In some ways she was giving me permission to get up and get a rose  if I wanted.  I needed permission because I know that I am not a mom and yet that same ache is true for AJ.  Kim's permission and acknowledgement was comforting and validating even though I did not get up to get a rose. 

You see, I could barely get through the description of the "group" of woman without bawling.  If I would have stood up and walked over to take a rose I am sure I would have made a scene. So I sat and held it until about half way through the prayer. When I could no longer hold onto my grief.  Both Kim and Marcie cried with me and loved me in that moment.  One of the woman in my Staff group from work came and gave me a flower after the prayer as she had known I could not get one myself.  And in some ways I did not feel I deserved a flower.

Lately it seems my grief is bubbling to the surface and in society it is not acceptable to just burst out into tears and yet, woman's communion marked the third time in less than a week that this was true of me. I guess, as they say, such is life.

I am thankful for these moments that others can show me God's grace and love when I am unable to extend it to myself.