Just A Memory

The question of whether or not I did enough or was there enough for AJ continues to come up and I battle with myself knowing it is a part of the grief process and that I cannot be so hard on myself.  And yet, those desires and dreams that I had for AJ and the time, love, and hope that I wish I had a chance to extend to AJ in greater depth, can no longer take place.

Just the week before AJ's death we were all in Arizona for the 2nd half of Christmas break.  I am very thankful for that week hanging out with my family.  There are several great memories from that week but one that sticks out in my head is when Brian and I went with AJ to the mall to spend his Christmas money.

He had his eye on new clothes and shoes.  He as ever teenager does, knows exactly the kind of clothes they want and where to get them.   AJ bought a pair of pants and a t-shirt and then we headed off to other stores to look for a specific kind of shoe he wanted. He only had so much Christmas money left so we searched a few different places before we found some that he wanted and I decided that I wanted to help him pay for them.

You know the natural teenage boy response of indifference or entitlement? Neither of those were a part of his attitude or demeanor that day. Instead in all sincerity he double checked that I was sure and didn't mind covering the cost of the rest of the shoe. His face in that moment as he asked me is engraved in my mind.

So much of my heart for AJ has always been to meet every need he had if I could.  I show people love through meeting their needs.    I am so grateful that I said yes when I felt that tug to meet that need and to extend grace and love to AJ in that tangible way.

I cannot even imagine not having that clear recent memory and experience with him.  I know that I showed him love in that moment but more importantly I know that he knew he was loved by me.