The new normal

I am realizing more and more that there is a hole in my future.  One without my mom and now one without a brother.  It took me longer to realize the holes that mom had left but that is also because I shut down for a bit as I learned to function in the new normal. 

I hate that phrase.  The new normal.  This is not normal or right and I refuse to settle for the normal that I am being forced into.  The normal without my little brother.  Life will never be "normal". I am not even sure what that word means.

With what would have been AJ's 17th Birthday, 4 month's since AJ's death, and Mother's Day all wrapped up into one week, last week was hard.

About a month ago, I told two ladies about my brother who do not really know me and did not know about his passing. I chose the word homicide to describe what had happened rather than "murder".  For some reason homicide feels like a nicer or softer version compared to murders rough edges. And yet homicide means murder. And that is exactly what happened.  Maybe you would suggest just saying that I am grieving the recent loss of my brother.  However,  it does not do what  my family and I are having to walk through justice.

Since then I have been coming to the realization that just as we transitioned into a new state and life 1.5years after mom died we will again find ourselves transitioning 1.5 years after AJ died once Brian graduates in May 2016.

So what do I say to people when they ask how many siblings do you have?  I have for the past 17 years answered that question with 4 sisters and 2 brothers and never blinked an eye.  I still have the same amount, but just as people still ask random questions about my mom (assuming she is still alive) they will ask about my brother and I will have to explain what happened.  Conversation downer.  Its real but it is not always the most fun to have to explain to new people that you meet.  And yet, at the same time that is all you want others to know about you.  I remember struggling with wanting to be known when we moved to KY and to really be known would have been to know my mom had died and I was still working through it.  I am sure the same will be true about AJ and our next big transition.

That's my new normal.