Processing

My grief looks different this time.

Shock.

When I got the phone call I was sitting in my bed and unlike the time I heard about my mom, I was paralyzed.  I sat in my bed and then at one point moved to one of the couches in our living room.  Each time shaking uncontrollably and unable to get up to start packing or doing anything.

Even two weeks after when I returned to work it was reassuring that someone in my Staff group at work was able to name it and gave me permission to still sit in this stage.

Once in a while when I let myself go there, I can still see physical signs of shock when talking about AJ and everything.  If I try and think through different circumstances that could have happened that night and whether or not AJ was scared or if he felt pain or whatever I get nauseous.

Denial.

I spent much of the first week in denial. I was no longer in denial after the family viewing. The viewing made it real as only a viewing can.

Numbness.

And now, now I am numb.  Numb because I cannot process everything that happened without knowing the truth.  And unfortunately, we still do not have the truth (4 weeks later) as those involved continue to lie and/or are not forthcoming with the details of that evening. There is also more information that just cannot be released as there are no arrests or charges just yet.  Its hard to grasp how so much could have happened in just a short few minutes.  And its even harder to understand how people can be so selfish and not come forward with what happened to allow us to grieve and have peace in knowing.

What is to come?

Its kind of terrorizing waiting for the phone call that will allow me to know more.  One time this last week we thought we would hear more and my anxiety level was through the roof.  I don't know what knowing the truth will do.  I don't know how I will react and I do not know where I will be when I find out.  As frustrating and anxious as it can make me I have been trying to trust God's timing. Trusting that there will be grace in knowing right when we do find out.

I assume the dreams and restlessness will start.  When my mom passed I didn't sleep soundly for 3-4months.  My subconscious was trying to work through and make sense of it.  And although I slept I never woke rested. This even happened for about a month when Dori went on hospice and then passed. There have only been a few very distant dreams thus far with both my mom and AJ in them recently. 

Struggling to see Jesus in his passing...

There have been many times since hearing AJ had been shot that I have asked  told the Lord that I do not want this "hard".  That I do not want to know this loss and pain. That I do not want to be this strong.  Continued prayers as we grieve and wait for more answers.  And continued prayers as we wrestle with the Lord taking my mom when he did and how that affected the settings and those whom AJ was surrounded with. Its hard to accept and not want to play the "what if" game.

And some of you whom I value your spiritual maturity and faith greatly, have encouraged me in my wrestling as you too identify with trying to understand how this could be true. Thank you for your vulnerability because I need to know that I am not alone in struggling to understand.