Friday music

Processing

My grief looks different this time.

Shock.

When I got the phone call I was sitting in my bed and unlike the time I heard about my mom, I was paralyzed.  I sat in my bed and then at one point moved to one of the couches in our living room.  Each time shaking uncontrollably and unable to get up to start packing or doing anything.

Even two weeks after when I returned to work it was reassuring that someone in my Staff group at work was able to name it and gave me permission to still sit in this stage.

Once in a while when I let myself go there, I can still see physical signs of shock when talking about AJ and everything.  If I try and think through different circumstances that could have happened that night and whether or not AJ was scared or if he felt pain or whatever I get nauseous.

Denial.

I spent much of the first week in denial. I was no longer in denial after the family viewing. The viewing made it real as only a viewing can.

Numbness.

And now, now I am numb.  Numb because I cannot process everything that happened without knowing the truth.  And unfortunately, we still do not have the truth (4 weeks later) as those involved continue to lie and/or are not forthcoming with the details of that evening. There is also more information that just cannot be released as there are no arrests or charges just yet.  Its hard to grasp how so much could have happened in just a short few minutes.  And its even harder to understand how people can be so selfish and not come forward with what happened to allow us to grieve and have peace in knowing.

What is to come?

Its kind of terrorizing waiting for the phone call that will allow me to know more.  One time this last week we thought we would hear more and my anxiety level was through the roof.  I don't know what knowing the truth will do.  I don't know how I will react and I do not know where I will be when I find out.  As frustrating and anxious as it can make me I have been trying to trust God's timing. Trusting that there will be grace in knowing right when we do find out.

I assume the dreams and restlessness will start.  When my mom passed I didn't sleep soundly for 3-4months.  My subconscious was trying to work through and make sense of it.  And although I slept I never woke rested. This even happened for about a month when Dori went on hospice and then passed. There have only been a few very distant dreams thus far with both my mom and AJ in them recently. 

Struggling to see Jesus in his passing...

There have been many times since hearing AJ had been shot that I have asked  told the Lord that I do not want this "hard".  That I do not want to know this loss and pain. That I do not want to be this strong.  Continued prayers as we grieve and wait for more answers.  And continued prayers as we wrestle with the Lord taking my mom when he did and how that affected the settings and those whom AJ was surrounded with. Its hard to accept and not want to play the "what if" game.

And some of you whom I value your spiritual maturity and faith greatly, have encouraged me in my wrestling as you too identify with trying to understand how this could be true. Thank you for your vulnerability because I need to know that I am not alone in struggling to understand.

4 years

Four years is a long time and yet it seems like yesterday.

 Last Friday (January 30th) marked four years since my moms passing.  This year it was different.  This year it stung a little more with AJ's recent passing.

This year I thought it was going to be a little easier and I felt that I had worked a lot on healing and working through my grief over the last year.  And then I was blindsided.

It was good to be able to take the day off, to make my mom's stew, to sing and dance in my kitchen as I made the stew as we did so many times growing up.  It was good.  And yet it was hard.

I have amazing support.  One of my friends the last two years has dropped off fruit (my favorite) and a card to encourage me.  And this year my co-worker Kim made sure I had Doritos and sour cream (a favorite of my moms).  Both small tokens of kindness and support. And many more texts or messages of those who wanted to make sure that I did not feel alone.

The greatest thing that each of them did is speak truth over me and encourage and call out who I am and how I have not allowed the loss in my life to define me.  Oh how I needed those words.  Sometimes there are days that I feel like I am failing at everything in life and I am so consumed with everything that has happened.

As you listen to the lyrics and advice in the next song (a favorite of my moms) I hope that you enjoy these awesome pictures of my mom that we got over Christmas from my dad's closet.  She never really loved her picture taken as we were growing up but there are few gems from when I was young.

Baby shower when mom was pregnant with me

Saying Goodbye

I thought I would share what I read at AJ's Funeral:

AJ has always had a special place in my heart. You see, being the second oldest girl in a line of sisters doesn’t put you as the favorite.  I had to beg my younger sisters to play with me.  However, even if for just a short time while he was younger, I was AJ’s favorite. I had finally swayed one of the younger siblings.

Being that AJ was 10 years younger, I have many fond memories of him growing up.  From helping change his diapers, swinging him around like an airplane, feeding him one bite of baby food (and then myself one as well), rocking him back to sleep if he woke up, to sleeping next to him when Ashlyn and I came to visit or rubbing his back until he would fall asleep.  He definitely had me wrapped around his finger.

One funny memory I have is when we tried to explain that his mom was also our mom.  With a blended family such as ours, even for adults it is hard to keep it straight.  AJ was no different and always insisted that mom was his mom.

My favorite thing that AJ would do is ask mom to call me.  He was probably 4-6 years old when he started to do this. It was the best to answer the phone and hear his sweet voice.  He would tell me all about what he had been up to.  From how many goals he scored in soccer, tricks he could now do on the trampoline, to how he had played with the cats and dogs.

Needless to say this would end as he grew up because as a typical teenage boy he didn’t like to talk on the phone.  But if on occasion he did call I would be sure to answer no matter where or what I was doing.  I loved hearing about what he had been up to, his dreams, and what kind of car he wanted to get one day.

AJ, being 16, was full of life, hope, and energy.  I am sad that I will not get the opportunity to witness the man that he would have become.  AJ was so smart and had the world ahead of him.  Although he was far from perfect he knew what he needed to do to reach his dreams and at the end of the day, he loved people well.

We have all had a lot to work through with our moms passing almost four years ago. AJ being so young had to navigate through this loss in a different way. I remember the innocent questions of fear and confusion soon after her passing and knowing that all I wanted to do was take away that pain.  I pray that this community of family and friends would be able to walk together and find peace through the pain of losing AJ. 

As I have been reading Kara Tippetts book “The Hardest Peace” this week and in light of the chaos and unanswered questions I’ll leave you all with this quote, “Sometimes the hardest peace to find is the peace in saying goodbye and leaving the work of justice and reconciliation to Jesus.”