Grace

I remember that it took me a while to realize some of God's grace when I found out that my mom had passed away suddenly.  But no matter how long it took, the grace was there.  It was in having my best friend in town and visiting for the weekend.  In not being in a public place like church where I would have been if Lynda had not been visiting.  It was in getting the phone call and not having my phone on silent in my purse until after church. There was grace.

This time, I tried to look for grace. It took a few days into it to really start looking for that grace.  A week after his passing I got a kindle version of the "The Hardest Peace: Expecting Grace in the Midst of Life's Hard" by Kara Tippetts.  I had seen her blog before and I have also heard about her through a college friend's blog who is fighting breast cancer. I had been meaning to get the book from the library at home even before AJ passed, but decided that I needed to read it now.  And it helped with the down time of waiting that took place during that week before the funeral because AJ's body was held for the investigation. 

You don't have to have cancer to get something out of Kara's book.  It was a blessing and I look forward to rereading it once some of this fogginess lifts.  I wanted to share with you all some of the grace that I have found over the last few weeks.  I hope it comforts and strengthens hope in those close to us that are hurting with us as we walk this road. As we try and make sense of it all...

I found grace:

• grace in getting the call when I was spending time with God.
• grace in having Brian home that evening and not at school working on homework.
• grace in getting the same connecting flight as one of my sisters who was coming for St. Louis, Lauren
• grace for amazing coworkers, friends and family giving generously to pay for our plane tickets and even some money we could bless my older sister with.
• grace for generous people able to make having a funeral possible
• grace in repeating over and over again in my head that "you, God are GOOD enough for even this" as the reality of all of this continued to sink in at the candle lighting.
• grace to be able to pray with and for all those at the candle lighting even in the midst of my own grief.
• grace to start reading "the hardest peace"
• grace that I had seen AJ just the week before
• grace that I got to see a bunch of family members I would not have seen outside of something like this that brought us together.
• grace in hearing the following lyrics in my head as we waited outside of the viewing room: 

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus

• grace in hearing the following lyrics in my head and praying them over my little brother as I faced him and everything sunk in:

Oh, When I come to die

Oh, When I come to die

Oh, when I come to die

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

• grace to speak at my brothers funeral which is something I was unable to do at my moms.
• grace for an amazing co-worker, Kim who helped send out an e-mail to get help financially, being awesome at work while I was gone, bringing food over the first night we were home and being my bouncer at work ;)
• grace for an amazing boss who genuinely cares and can make me cry at how  blessed I am to work for a man that truly cares about my well being.
• grace for a small group to go to and begin processing everything with.
• grace for my pastor4staff group at work that loved me well and is a safe place.
• grace in having a community that I came back to.

As much grace as the Lord pours out on me, I am still working on giving myself grace. Grace for my lack of ability to remember things. Grace for not having as much energy. And grace for however I need to process all of this.