Ramblings...

SO it might sound funny or strange but ever since my mom has died there has been this weird feeling that I have changed.  That a part of me has changed.  Or almost as if everyone around me sees me different or at least I feel different around them. It is really hard to communicate or describe but I feel like I am wearing a sign on me that says "My mom died 7 months ago" and YET no one sees it.  Or maybe they don't care.  I know its been 7 months but there are some days when I feel like telling people around me (who I have met after my mom's death in January) that 7 months ago my mom at 42 years old died.  Why? I have no idea.  What do I want them to feel? Bad or sorry for me? nope. I just want to feel like people around me care.  That people who ask how are you Megan (knowing that this last 7 months has rocked my world and then next few years will too).

I am not one for acquaintances (and with some I work with I guess that is all it will ever be and should be) but I see people every day, laugh and talk together I cant help wanting to scream it to them.  Maybe it is because even those closer to me don't ask (some do but very few). I know that death is a weird thing and maybe because they never met my mom there is no connection they feel with me to ask and to be reminded of that.  And they have no words because they do not know what to say..  Maybe its because I am still living with it and even when the sadness of loss seems to be gone it creeps back in when you are pouring frozen corn (CORN...such a small thing but a memory is tied to it just like so many other things).

But for whatever reason I want to tell people that my mom died suddenly on January 30th at the age of 42.  To tell them that this person that they know is not who I was just 7months ago or even 3 months ago.  Constantly changing, moving, healing and growing.