So Many Things...

Tomorrow at this time I will be laughing and enjoying myself fully with my best friend and so many other awesome friends! Oh how I miss colorado! I miss the community and the life that I built there...

Yesterday there was excitement that was building up inside of me! I was sitting at work like a little kid  (and it was still 2days away!).  This was the first time that it hit me! Let me explain that it was followed by a million things, get my last shot for Haiti, church set up, church meeting, church, college group, packing, making pigs in a blanket for work today and then finally today a full day of work.

This full day of work has taken a lot out of me.  The 6 hours of sleep (and knowing tonight I will go no more than that) is making that excitement fade...BUT with just less than an hour left in my work day, I am beginning to get excited! :)

The excitement is pure Joy! It has been a year and a half since I have been to CO.  Outside of Lynda coming in January to visit me (which was cut short by almost 2 full days due to my mom dying) I have not seen the people that were like family to me while I was in CO.  It was the first place that I built my own home. I built my life somewhere. God allowed me to do it in a place that would shape me and mold me for years to come.  I think I have high standards for community but I am okay with that.  If you experience community you never want to just settle for this half-assed stuff (excuse the language but as I was writing this I could come up with a better way of wording it).  Texas is just not home.  It could maybe be home one day but I really do pray that Brian and I will be on our way to start fresh together when he starts school.  I want to go and build a community together!  I have already been praying and dreaming up jobs and things that I desire from that next stop along this road called life. 

With all of this excitement for the weekend there is a little pain that is coming with it...

• Obviously saying goodbye on Sunday (when 3days is not enough) will be hard.
• Irrational fear that something bad will happen (which is NOT from God) because it did in January.
• Helping walk through the process of a mom dying with a few people.  This is hard because tomorrow will be 8 months since my mom died. And 8 months is not long in the sense that I do not know what words of wisdom I can give.  My heart breaks. It really really does.  And I hear the pain, the fears, the doubt and the anger.  And yet all I know is that God is good. God is good all the time. (even when  those words mean nothing to our broken hearts, they are true.)  I also know that sharing my experience and allowing the Lord to use my mom's death will help in the healing process.

I am also very excited that my lovely wonderful beautiful Young Life girls will be coming to Denver (hopefully Abi makes her way into town) for church and lunch together on Sunday! What a sweet taste of how BIG my God is.  That they would know him still and that they would be excited to see me (just a small tool that the Lord chose to use).  Oh how I am so unworthy.

SO here is to the laughter. The smiles. The hugs (and much needed cuddle time with Lynda and Beth :) ha!). The tears. And to many more memories that are to be made this weekend!

p.s. Just 3 weeks from Saturday and I will be in HAITI!

Ramblings...

SO it might sound funny or strange but ever since my mom has died there has been this weird feeling that I have changed.  That a part of me has changed.  Or almost as if everyone around me sees me different or at least I feel different around them. It is really hard to communicate or describe but I feel like I am wearing a sign on me that says "My mom died 7 months ago" and YET no one sees it.  Or maybe they don't care.  I know its been 7 months but there are some days when I feel like telling people around me (who I have met after my mom's death in January) that 7 months ago my mom at 42 years old died.  Why? I have no idea.  What do I want them to feel? Bad or sorry for me? nope. I just want to feel like people around me care.  That people who ask how are you Megan (knowing that this last 7 months has rocked my world and then next few years will too).

I am not one for acquaintances (and with some I work with I guess that is all it will ever be and should be) but I see people every day, laugh and talk together I cant help wanting to scream it to them.  Maybe it is because even those closer to me don't ask (some do but very few). I know that death is a weird thing and maybe because they never met my mom there is no connection they feel with me to ask and to be reminded of that.  And they have no words because they do not know what to say..  Maybe its because I am still living with it and even when the sadness of loss seems to be gone it creeps back in when you are pouring frozen corn (CORN...such a small thing but a memory is tied to it just like so many other things).

But for whatever reason I want to tell people that my mom died suddenly on January 30th at the age of 42.  To tell them that this person that they know is not who I was just 7months ago or even 3 months ago.  Constantly changing, moving, healing and growing.

September and Labor Day Weekend

September means 7 months ago my mom died but  it also means a year ago over labor day weekend I would see my mommy for the last time.  This last weekend was good to be able to see my family and sometimes frustrating with a cramped house, little sleep and lots to pack into a weekend that was full of emotions.

Each time I go back it is a little different then the time before.  I was super excited to see my family and siblings and to hang out with everyone.  About two months or so after my mom passed my step-dad Alan called each of us kids and asked what we would like to put on the headstone that he was getting made for my mom.  I was a little taken back (because we had not talked about doing that since she was cremated) but I told him my thoughts.  This was the last that we heard of it. BUT then over labor day while all of us kids were in town he surprised us with the headstone finished.  It was crazy and hard to see it but good.  We did a dedication kind of thing on Sunday and buried the rest of my mom's ashes (which half of them were spread in Indiana where she grew up in May of 2011).  I am very grateful that my little brother will be able to have a place to go and grieve.  Even in just the few days I was there he went twice and I know that it will be good for them all.

Here are some pictures and stuff from the weekend...

It was hard to leave and to drive away from my mom's house because of the flood's of memories that came.  The last look on her face. The last words.  All of the things we did when we were there.  Everything. And so the weekend came and went.  Nothing changed.  Just memories made without her.

Because We Are God's Masterpeice

Had to share...

Saw this on Facebook a few weeks ago!