Who I am

I didn't realize until recently, but somewhere along the way I lost a little bit of who I was.  It didn't happen all at once, even if I can pinpoint events that started the process, it was a slow process that I couldn't even name. 

About half way through this year I woke up one day and realized I no longer knew what I wanted to do with my life. After about a week of wrestling and coming to a place where all I could say for certain is that I knew I wanted to still be a mother and apart from that one thing it's all up in the air and I'm ok with that. 

Then about three weeks ago one day I looked in the mirror as I was getting ready for work and I saw me. I hadn't realized that I had been missing. But for those few minutes as I brushed my teeth the reflection in the mirror was me. 

If in that one moment I saw myself again it means that I must have been missing. All the other days the face that had been staring back at me wasn't quit me. This stuck with me over the next few weeks as the Lord slowly starting speaking into my life and revealing his truth. 

Last Wednesday at chapel I listened to the speaker as always and was excited to sing the last song as we took communion. It had been one I heard before and liked. We had even sung it at church Sunday. But in that chapel and in that moment and space the words of the following song came alive and I couldn't just sing the words I sang them, I meant them, and they were sung over me. 

God used that moment to remind me of who I am through "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin.

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories
Of what they think You're like
But I've heard the tender whisper
Of love in the dead of night

I was reminded of and reflected on Gods faithfulness.

And You tell me that You're pleased
And that I'm never alone

I was reminded that even in the craziness of life and grief and how messy a process it is, the Lord is pleased with me. What a needed reminder for the overachiever perfectionistic doer.

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
Focused my thoughts on who I have known and know God to be even when the answers that I want don't come. His character never changes.

And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
Reminded of the greatness of the Lord's love for me.

Oh, and I've seen many searching
For answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word
Thanking the Lord for the way he meets me in my needs before I even know what I need.

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
I am simply loved by God.  I am not my brokenness. It does not get to define me.

Cause You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

You are perfect in all of Your ways
Oh, You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us
An additional reminder of the Lord's character.

Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
Into love, love, love


Right now the Lord is asking me to lay down my brokenness and stop hiding behind it and allowing it to define me.  It does not lessen the hurt nor does it speed up the grieving process but it does allow me to be grounded in who I am. And it allows me to respond to the Lord's invitation to continue to grow and know him deeper in the love that he so graciously gives.