Justice and Grace

Someone in my staff group asked me a couple weeks ago about how I am doing and where I am in my grief?  How do I process getting an update from the detective?  Do I want to know who did it?  Do I believe in the death penalty? Will I be better once they find out who did it and justice (whatever that looks like) is served?

Sometimes it is hard to put into words what I am feeling and where I am.  I don't usually do well when we get an update or if I have spoken with the detective.  Its usually good to get more information but I get all shaky, cold, and overwhelmed.  It feels like an out of body experience.  For example the other night when I got an update I was sewing but no longer wanted to sew or do anything but sleep or eat.  And realistically after an update sleep is not the thing that comes easy as my mind is twisting around trying to find a place to land.

Over the last few months, for me it has always been about what happened that night not about who specifically pulled the trigger.  If they think it is one of 3 or 4 guys it does not change anything to know the face or name behind the murderer.  However, I think there will be a sense of relief and weight that will lift once all is said and done and someone is charged and prosecuted.

In some ways finding out will make me face all of my feelings, doubts, and questions.  No more hiding behind waiting for more answers and the investigation.  Whatever is at the end will be what it is and it will not change the fact that AJ is gone.  It will not make it easier but it will make me trudge through it.  I want to move through it and I know that it is right, however I am not looking forward to it.  My hope is that when I do have to move through the mess, God's grace and love will meet me in the middle of it and hold my broken heart.

If you know me I am a J on the Myers Briggs scale.   100% a J on the scale. Brian sometimes (in my opinion) and in a joking manner mistaken my "judging" with actual judgment and justice and fairness.  Because as much of a J (judging) preference I am equally known to stand up for injustice.  Fairness is important to me.  We grew up not being able to use the following phrase, "that's not fair".  Maybe its because "life isn't fair" (a phrase I was told often), either way I did not like not being able to express when I thought something was not right.  Not that I, as a child was capable of really knowing what was fair or not.

But in reality, life isn't fair. God's perfect love for mankind through Jesus Christ shows us exactly that when he extends his grace to us instead of his judgment.   We are all offered life instead of death.  For the here and now, not just for eternity. My hope for the person who pulled the trigger that night is that he would one day choose life that is extended to each of us.  I know that the brokenness in the world is the cause and that it was not God's will that AJ died as he did.  Sometimes its hard to hear comments within the Christian circle that contain broken theology to try and explain suffering and loss such as what has been experienced with loosing AJ.  Just as this was not God's will and perfect plan for AJ, it is not God's desire that the person behind the gun live life apart from knowing him and choosing life.

My prayer is that justice, laced with God's perfect grace, would find the young man behind the gun.

The new normal

I am realizing more and more that there is a hole in my future.  One without my mom and now one without a brother.  It took me longer to realize the holes that mom had left but that is also because I shut down for a bit as I learned to function in the new normal. 

I hate that phrase.  The new normal.  This is not normal or right and I refuse to settle for the normal that I am being forced into.  The normal without my little brother.  Life will never be "normal". I am not even sure what that word means.

With what would have been AJ's 17th Birthday, 4 month's since AJ's death, and Mother's Day all wrapped up into one week, last week was hard.

About a month ago, I told two ladies about my brother who do not really know me and did not know about his passing. I chose the word homicide to describe what had happened rather than "murder".  For some reason homicide feels like a nicer or softer version compared to murders rough edges. And yet homicide means murder. And that is exactly what happened.  Maybe you would suggest just saying that I am grieving the recent loss of my brother.  However,  it does not do what  my family and I are having to walk through justice.

Since then I have been coming to the realization that just as we transitioned into a new state and life 1.5years after mom died we will again find ourselves transitioning 1.5 years after AJ died once Brian graduates in May 2016.

So what do I say to people when they ask how many siblings do you have?  I have for the past 17 years answered that question with 4 sisters and 2 brothers and never blinked an eye.  I still have the same amount, but just as people still ask random questions about my mom (assuming she is still alive) they will ask about my brother and I will have to explain what happened.  Conversation downer.  Its real but it is not always the most fun to have to explain to new people that you meet.  And yet, at the same time that is all you want others to know about you.  I remember struggling with wanting to be known when we moved to KY and to really be known would have been to know my mom had died and I was still working through it.  I am sure the same will be true about AJ and our next big transition.

That's my new normal.