His Faithfulness

In my last blog post I said the following:

"Only the one, the one who pours grace and love out onto us, is big enough and good enough for even this."

 

I am sure, even more so amongst my family who are dealing with the reality of losing AJ the most, cannot fully grasp my words. How can this be? In the midst of despair, brokenness, and pain. How can he be good and loving?

 

I was working away yesterday afternoon trying to complete something before the weekend and my mind tuned into the following words that were playing in the background on Pandora:

 

"He has paid the highest price
He has proven His great love for us"

("He is faithful" by Jesus Culture)

 

It is in his faithfulness.  My hope lies in his faithfulness. 

The faithfulness that I have been blessed to see and name and even the faithfulness that I am so unaware of and miss out on.

 

Faithfulness does not take away from the brokenness in the world. It is just the hope and grace that we get to live into if we choose. Within the first hour of hearing that AJ was in the hospital and had been shot and they did not think he would make it, I had the following conversation with God:

 

Me: How could you let this happen? [struggling with my understanding of God's Character]

(God gently reminding me...)

Me: It's our free will that caused this. Its our brokenness. I wish you wouldn't have given us free will.
(God gently reminding me...)

Me: But you had to because you love us so...

 

None of which changes the situation or circumstances. And yet I am LOVED. God has already proven himself to me through Jesus dying on the cross. Even if he does not answer my prayers and petitions in the way that I desire.  Even when my 42 year old mom dies. Even when my 16 year old brother dies.  Even when I do not want to face my grief.  Even when it's been two months and we still do not have answers. And even when the brokenness of the world crashes into our lives. 

 

He is faithful.