January 30th 2013

January 30th comes each year and until 2011 I never paid much attention to it. It was just another day.

Two years ago yesterday my mom (42years old) died suddenly in her sleep. She had heart disease and didn't realize that she was having a heart attack.  Woman can experience what feels like cramping in their abdomen instead of the chest pains and numbness in the left arm that men  usually identify as signs of a heart attack.  Many women do not know this and it is sad that they don't.  I wish that doctors and media that talks about heart disease and heart attacks would be more vocal about one of the top silent killers of woman.

2 years seems like a long time.  Relatively it is somewhat a long time because it is 24months and 104 weeks later. But, if you have ever watched a child grow up you know that two years can seem to pass as quickly as a blink of an eye.

It was interesting as the days led up to the 30th this year.  Oh was I mad. I was so mad. I am not sure what made it so much worse this year and why it triggered anger more than sadness but it did.  Tuesday night I was upset and didn't really know how to vocalize what I was feeling.  I was mad. Mad that many would not remember what the 30th meant or would never know or take a second to think much more about how the day would affect me. I was mad because it felt like the 30th would come and go as if nothing has happened.  If you speak with any of my siblings they were just hoping the day would go by quickly and that they would not have to re-live it.  I do not want to re-live it necessarily, but I do not want to forget it.  It seems like if I forget it then I would be forgetting my mom.

So I take the day off (I call out sick and technically this time I was sick but maybe not sick enough that I would normally call out).  And to be honest I think its okay. 

I eat stew. This is one of my mom's recipes that I grew up with and LOVE.

I also remember the day with powered donuts.  I know this one seems strange but let me explain.  I grew up eating powdered donuts on Sunday mornings on the way to the park where we would go fishing with my dad. I know you thought I was going to say "on Sunday morning on the way to church", but you see when I was younger we went fishing on Sundays.  We would get up when it was still dark out and my dad would take us to the park near our house.  You see powdered donuts bring a memory and feeling of comfort. And on the night of January 30th, 2011 they proved to be that too. While sitting on the couch in Missouri cuddling with my young brother and rubbing his back I ate powdered donuts. 


Yesterday I did not want to think much about the day and be sad. I just sat there.  I know that seems odd.  I didn't want to put into words what I was feeling. I did some crying and of course I did it when I read both of my sisters "notes" on Facebook about the day and my mom. My older sister said that I was brave for getting married.  This last year was good and exciting and fun but it was bittersweet making memories without her.  And I know that my mom wouldn't have wanted me to stop living (even though as the first 6 months passed it felt like I did as I stood still in my grief).  I see the pictures on pintrest of the grandma holding the picture of her daughter holding a picture of her daughter.  We will never be able to do that.  No wedding photos of her and no photos of her with my kids one day. Those are the things that hurt.  For me, what I will need courage for is when we end up having children.  No mom to ask random and somewhat TMI questions.  I am so blessed that my older sister is wanting to have kids around when we do.  I love that and appreciate it so much.

Yesterday I was bummed that Brian was busy finishing up papers for a class he is taking this January. I was bummed that he had to work and then go up to the church to figure out how to play the super bowl game through the projector so that we could have a party in the community center Sunday. 

I could have called people yesterday and talked to them about "how I was feeling".  I had time (remember I called out of work). I didn't want to talk about it.  I wanted to know people were there for me. I wanted to know that if I wanted to say something someone was there. That's it.  I couldn't find motivation to blog or post on Facebook.  The community of Asbury (where I work and where I live) is so small that it wouldn't have been wise of me to.  I think that is sad.

So here, today, I summarize my feelings and thoughts about January 30th 2013.  Loving and missing you mommy.  I still desperately wish that I could have just said good-bye.