I received a phone call about 9:45am last Jan 30th which happened to be a Sunday. Lynda was visiting me for the first time in Waco. We had just finished eating cinnamon rolls and she was walking up the stairs to get ready while I was going to curl my hair in the half bathroom downstairs. Ashlyn called. I was super peppy as she asked me what I was doing. Normally I would have already been up at church but since Lynda was there we were not going to Sunday school. I remember looking at the phone at first thinking it was odd my older sister was calling sooo early (in CA) but didn’t really think anything of it until she told me that she wanted me to sit down.
I knew that something was wrong. I could hear it in her voice. I told her to just tell me whatever it was. She said Megan you need to sit down. I called up to Lynda who by this time had reached the top of the stairs. “ I think I am going to need you Lynda.” She came down and we both sat on the couch as my sister began… “Mom wasn’t feeling very well last night…” that’s all she had to say. I knew. I began asking if mom had died and saying no as I began to realize what that would mean. I was so frantic and there were tears on the other end of the phone as Ashlyn tried to continue to tell me what had happened. I couldn’t understand or calm down enough to know for sure that my mom had passed away. I held out the phone to Lynda and said “I can’t understand, I need you to ask my sister if my mom died?”
I think that was a lot to ask of Lynda because I watched as her eyes filled with tears as she asked Ashlyn if our mom had died. And she said yes. Immediately grabbing the phone back I began asking questions. And began to listen to what answers she could give. I knew I needed to go there but I didn’t know when to go. Lynda was in town and I was supposed to take her to the airport the next day. I told Ashlyn I would leave early mon morning and drive to MO since it was only 10 hours.
I called Lauren and listened as she retold what happened and then I called AJ and cried with him on the phone. All I wanted to was to be there and to hold him and take care of him. During this time I looked at Lynda and told her to call Brian. I knew he was at coffee with a friend but I also knew I needed him there. I told her to keep calling till he answered. I also called my dad because I didn’t know what to do next and I needed someone to tell me what to do. I told him he needed to call Ashlyn and make sure she was okay.
Time for whatever reason seemed to slow down and yet 30mins or an hour would go by and I would think it was only 10 or 15mins. Brian finally got there and I called and left a message for JD to tell him I would be out that week. I then called Laurie to have her let everyone know my mom had passed away and I would be out. I remember sitting there not knowing what to do next. Being angry, quiet and then sad all of a sudden. Ashlyn and my dad did not want me driving to MO by myself and then we found out there was a huge snow storm moving through so I was going to need to fly. Thankfully we heard about a bereavement flight that was half the cost and I would fly out that evening at 530 from Waco and then fly back to Waco the next Sunday.
Then came the packing and feeling rushed and I needed to do laundry etc etc etc. Lynda and I went upstairs to pack as I flung clothes into the bag and she made sure I packed essential items. I managed to eat some stuff and we ran to target to get a few things. After that we stopped by the dam out by the airport and I sat with my two best friends. Completely feeling exhausted, broken and so confused I thanked both of them and apologized for my fits of anger and melt downs. I knew my God was good. Yes indeed he was and is. I just could not grasp fully what it meant for my mom to be gone.
I remember how big of a jerk the person who checked my bag in for me was. To my great luck he was also the guy that would take our tickets at the gate and he would try and tell me I could not take my pillow and purse on the plane. I was already holding back tears and then he had to give me hell for the smallest things. I don’t know how to explain it in words the feeling that I had. It was some sort of out of body experience as if I was watching myself live this. Stopped in Dallas really quick and then landed in MO at about 9pm. Chelsea had flown in just an hour before and Lauren had come with her best friend and mom’s best friend to pick us up. I remember sitting there in the car as we drove in the darkness, feeling this need to take away the fact that Lauren and AJ had found mom dead and had to watch all of that. How could I take that away and not make them feel that. Helpless and so broken. We got in about 10:30 or so and I sat with AJ on the couch rubbing his back. We ate a bag of powdered donuts and sat watching tv waiting for Ashlyn to arrive. It was after midnight by the time she came. And it wasn’t until 2 or so that we went to try and sleep. I think I slept from 3:30-6:30 before I got up and got showered.
Of course the first thing I did was get up and start cleaning. Then I took Lauren with me to go grocery shopping. Plenty of people had brought food over and were going to throughout the week but so many people would be coming that we needed to get essential things too. We went through pictures and watched home videos all day. That night us kids sat around the kitchen table and wrote my mom’s obituary. That is a lot to do and process. I remember looking around my mom’s house waiting for her to show up and just come around the corner. That was hard. Hard to really get that she was gone... I believed it but I was used to not seeing my mom every day. I stayed up that night on the couch and was trying to journal and pray and spend time with Jesus. It was hard and ended in tears and I felt guilty since I didn’t always come and visit my mom as much. The last time I had seen her was over Labor Day weekend.
Unfortunately my mom’s luck stayed with us as the snow storm did not allow for Brian to come to the funeral. My dad and cousins made it in which was much needed. It was nice to feel like I didn’t have to be the grown up since my dad was there. We went to the viewing Friday night and then the funeral was Saturday morning. The pictures and snap shot of that day are forever engraved in my memory. I watched as nephews and brothers of my mom carried her away as AJ ran up to help them. I said my goodbyes but for me I wasn’t ready to say them. I didn’t speak at the funeral. All of the others did. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t had time to process. It happened too quick. We didn’t even know she was sick.
Before I knew it I was on a plane headed back to a place where there was not as much support. Brian was great. And so were some others but my best friends and community that I have yet to really find in tx were far away.
Lynda was amazing once again and had contacted many of my friends to write me letters. I got letters for two weeks straight. Amazing support and love from them all. Lynda sent me a gift to open today as well as a card. I am so very thankful for her friendship and love.
Going back to work Monday was not easy. I was crying at random points and I hated that I had to fake it. With death there is this haze or fogginess that follows you. I could not think clearly. My amazing memory that I was so very proud of was gone. I could not focus even when I tried. Yes I cried myself to sleep some nights but the biggest thing for me was not being able to sleep. My mind would never shut off. I was constantly trying to process as I slept. This was the first time in my life that I ever used the snooze button on my alarm. I wouldn’t fall back to sleep but I would have to talk myself into getting up. I think it was one day at the beginning of April that I slept through the whole night for the first time and I didn’t dream as far as I could remember.
In March, 6 weeks later I went to see the kids and Alan to check in for their spring break. It was hard to see the everyday trials they endured and were still learning how to do life without my mom. I helped clean and cook all weekend. I would have given anything to be able to stay and take care of them but as quickly as I had arrived I had to go back to life that in my opinion was not important compared to the pain and brokenness that I could not heal or take away from them.
Birthdays came and went. Mom’s was the hardest in November. I barely made it through work and I guess you can understand why I felt the need to call out today. It was hard to realize that we were continuing on and life was becoming “normal” or as normal as it would ever be without her. Each day passes. And then before I can blink its been a year. A year of pain and grief and a year of joy and life. I am so very grateful for the way the Lord has brought me to him through this. My prayer, as it will always be, is that my family can come to know him through this for it is the only way I can see redemption brought to a death that was too soon and too sudden. It doesn’t make the pain go away. Because there are definitely way hard days still but I do know with confidence that she is with the father and there is peace in knowing that. I am so thankful for the last 8 years I had with my mom and our relationship that Jesus redeemed.
I am trying to be patient with people in my life that may not know what today is. Because for so many who are not directly affected by death, as time passes so does your memory that someone has died.
I am so very thankful for those in my life who are loving on me and being supportive as I still grieve. I am also thankful for the reminder that the Lord is with me as each time I woke up this morning I was singing “Jesus you are stronger more than any other…”
