I talked with my best friend from college a couple weeks ago and when we
started the conversation my answer to her "what's new?" question was
"not much". Yet as we continued the conversation I began to
remember everything that had been happening in the past couple of month and
somehow time had just slipped by.
I am realizing that I am needing to spend more time reflecting, but as I
continue to try and lean into the now of our quickly fading time in Kentucky, I
am having a hard time of making space.
Excuse me while I:
Lean into my grief. And by lean into I mean become a blubbering mess. So
please if you think "its been a year, pull it together lady" keep it
to yourself. I have realized I found a mode of living that copes and moves on.
All the while I am brokenhearted. You know the verse in the bible that says
"he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted". Well I never
considered myself brokenhearted. Just someone who has experienced loss. So
whenever I heard the promise of coming to bind up the brokenhearted it was
always referring to those other people. Not me. Yet that is what I am. Not that
my brokenness defines me but I have to admit where I am at.
Accept my brokenness. One morning recently as I got ready for work a little
weepily and was reflecting on how much I wish that I was not broken. I
realized what an ironic thing to wish as we are all broken and need of
Jesus. In some ways I know that my losses are helping me realize in a new
way my need for a savior and how much more this world is in need of one as
well.
Figure out how to believe and live into the idea that at any one given
moment people are generally doing the best that they can. Brene Brown if you did not know is a
fantastic researcher and author. In her book Rising Strong she talks about
coming to that realization. I am still learning to accept this. If I do then I have to grieve the fact that some people may never be who I need them to be.
Start transitioning out of life in KY. This means leaning in when you
want to disengage. This means living in the tension of what is and what
is not yet. Do I have a count down for how many more days of actual days
at work? Yes, yes I do. Do I realize how lucky I am to work where I work.
Yes, yes I do. One of my best friends works with me and I have a great friend as a
boss who really is the best boss. I am not sure how anyone will live up to
him. FYI, while I do mean "transitioning" I also mean freaking out.
Celebrate that Brian was recommended to be commissioned, has a placement (details to come soon) and he graduates in a little over a month. We have worked for four long hard years. And yes I proudly say we, Brian will be the first to admit that it took both of us. Its been real but we are ready to put "school" in the rearview mirror until we find ourselves sending off a little one to Kindergarten.
