I will be honest, yesterday was hard. And I was not able to really put into words what I was feeling or really reflect on the last year as I would have liked.
Yesterday marked one year since AJ was shot and killed. I will always have that night engraved in my mind. Once again, a sudden loss for my family and one without much closure as there is still an ongoing investigation.
The end of January will mark five years since mom died. After she died I couldn't think of anything so traumatic happening anytime soon. Nor did I expect it to. Yes, there is a healthy level of fear that whenever you get a phone call from a loved one that it could be the thing that stops you in your tracks. But if I am honest the shock of my mom's passing will never compare to my baby brothers at the age of 16. Nothing prepares you for that call nor the year(s) that follow.
Not a day goes by that I do not think of AJ or miss him. Every time I saw a group of teenagers or really even one skateboarding, riding their bikes, or walking around I would think about how that should be him. Knowing friends that have siblings around AJ's age has also made it hard this year. There is always a little extra jab of pain that comes out of nowhere when I am interacting with them.
Leading up to the Christmas holiday and break I found myself excited for a break and for home but anxious as the last two times I went home were not for good things. As always it was wonderful seeing family even as my heart longed for Lauren to be there. Yet, coming home and walking the same days that led up to that night again left me restless and sad.
And if I am really honest numb because my grief is still so real.
I kept busy at home and colored. Found my way to a friends house and got to play with her almost 6 month old daughter.
I tried to sit down and process to not let the day slip by without dealing with my emotions. However, the words didn't come and I continued to push the sadness away.
Thankfully a good friend of ours, Matt, was Jesus to me yesterday and unknowingly led me to facing my emotions. Matt brought over dinner, dessert, and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I managed to keep it together until him and Carter left but I sat in my house overwhelmed with love that I could not run from my emotions anymore. I was able to spend time with Brian and friends to end the day. Overall it was okay and what I needed but it was consuming.
So much has happened over the last year. In spite of the brokenness it has also been a year marked by grace, love, and hope. Not in this world or broken people but in the Lord who is present in the midst of all of the mess.
This second year will not be any easier than last as AJ would have been 18 and graduating High School. But it will be a year of new and exciting things I am sure. It will be a year of healing, growth, and forgiveness.
And I will continue to choose to wait on the Lord for answers and trust his hand and his timing.
