Happy Thanksgiving!

This Thanksgiving Brian and I are so very thankful for the health of our little girl Aubrey Katherine.  We are so excited to meet her in 110 days (or there about).  With every kick and jab I feel, I am so grateful for the opportunity to know what it is like to carry and grow a tiny human (as Brian likes to say). 

A Season of Grace

The side of me that is greatly influenced by the culture that I live in is nervous to speak it out loud. However, the one that knows the Lord as father also cannot help but see his grace in this season of our lives.


So instead of being afraid to jinx myself I will claim this season of grace. The last five years have been a season of heartache and grief and I really feel like in the midst of that God has seen our faithfulness and is proving himself faithful once more by overwhelming us with his grace.  Not that I did not see God's presence in each heartbreak and grief but it was just enough for that moment.


The Lord's provision and goodness is all around us. Brian finishing school, being commissioned, and placed are all things that we have had to put our heads down and trudge through to get to where we are now. Both of us moved with jobs.  We always hoped that Brian would of course have a job when we moved but for me to have a job too was overwhelming provision.


And by far the greatest mark of grace in our life right now is that we are expecting a baby in March of 2017.  No words can express the joy and excitement nor can they speak of the gratefulness of our hearts.  We know so many that have had trouble conceiving or have lost their sweet little's and we do not take this blessing for granted.  What a blessing to not have had to stress over trying to conceive.  This grace is huge in that we have waited patiently (or impatiently) for Brian to finish school, to be good stewards of our money, and continue to work towards being debt free. God continues to meet us by providing both of us jobs and me specifically with a job that started right away with amazing health insurance right when we would need it most.  As I sit back and watch all of the pieces fall into place I can only give the honor and glory to the one who has sustained us through it all. 

Oh yeah...WE moved!

It has been a crazy last four months with birthdays, graduation, packing and saying goodbye to those dear to us in Kentucky and making the move to Texas at the end of June.


Brian had received word in April that he would be placed at Hico First United Methodist Church in Hico, Texas.  We were overjoyed to know where we would be going at the end of June.  We packed up and headed out on June 26th.  I didn't finish up at my job until the 24th so packing and moving were very busy.  We took a two day detour to Branson celebrating Brian and I meeting there 8 years ago.  We then picked up some items in storage in Austin and finally moved in on July 1st.  Brian preached his first sermon on July 3rd and I started at Tarleton State University in Stephenville (20miles away) on July 5th. 


So grateful for a job upon moving but I could have really used a week to get a little more settled.  I have had to give up control of how much gets done and on a certain timeline. We finally just started painting this last weekend.


We have loved Hico so far and are enjoying getting to know the people there.  Still listening and seeing where I might get plugged in.   We are excited to see what God does during our time here. And we may really REALLY be hoping and praying that we are here for 2 or 3 years. I am over this moving process at this point...

Excuse me...

I talked with my best friend from college a couple weeks ago and when we started the conversation my answer to her "what's new?" question was "not much".  Yet as we continued the conversation I began to remember everything that had been happening in the past couple of month and somehow time had just slipped by.


I am realizing that I am needing to spend more time reflecting, but as I continue to try and lean into the now of our quickly fading time in Kentucky, I am having a hard time of making space.


Excuse me while I:


 Lean into my grief. And by lean into I mean become a blubbering mess. So please if you think "its been a year, pull it together lady" keep it to yourself. I have realized I found a mode of living that copes and moves on. All the while I am brokenhearted. You know the verse in the bible that says "he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted". Well I never considered myself brokenhearted. Just someone who has experienced loss. So whenever I heard the promise of coming to bind up the brokenhearted it was always referring to those other people. Not me. Yet that is what I am. Not that my brokenness defines me but I have to admit where I am at.


 Accept my brokenness. One morning recently as I got ready for work a little weepily and was reflecting on how much I wish that I was not broken. I realized what an ironic thing to wish as we are all broken and need of Jesus.  In some ways I know that my losses are helping me realize in a new way my need for a savior and how much more this world is in need of one as well.


 Figure out how to believe and live into the idea that at any one given moment people are generally doing the best that they can.  Brene Brown if you did not know is a fantastic researcher and author. In her book Rising Strong she talks about coming to that realization.  I am still learning to accept this. If I do then I have to grieve the fact that some people may never be who I need them to be.


 Start transitioning out of life in KY.  This means leaning in when you want to disengage.  This means living in the tension of what is and what is not yet.  Do I have a count down for how many more days of actual days at work? Yes, yes I do.  Do I realize how lucky I am to work where I work. Yes, yes I do.  One of my best friends works with me and I have a great friend as a boss who really is the best boss.  I am not sure how anyone will live up to him.  FYI, while I do mean "transitioning" I also mean freaking out.


Celebrate that Brian was recommended to be commissioned, has a placement (details to come soon) and he graduates in a little over a month. We have worked for four long hard years. And yes I proudly say we, Brian will be the first to admit that it took both of us.  Its been real but we are ready to put "school" in the rearview mirror until we find ourselves sending off a little one to Kindergarten.

Sometimes your world is falling apart

Sometimes your world is falling apart.
That is a fact. 
And its ok.


I want to like the song by Casting Crowns, "Just Be Held" and for the most part I do...But I have not been able get over one line. 


Just Be Held by Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on


And when youre tired of fighting
Chained by your control
Theres freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go


So when youre on your knees and answers seem so far away
Youre not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
Im on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held


If your eyes are on the storm
Youll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
Youll know I always have and I always will


And not a tear is wasted
In time, youll understand
Im painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands


Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where youll find Me
And where you are, Ill hold your heart
Ill hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go


You see sometimes I get the feeling that Christians are afraid to say that there is chaos and that maybe the world is falling apart or a specific area of your life is falling apart because that might diminish who God is.  Any time we live in fear we are getting it wrong.  And if we really think acknowledging the hard in life and the chaos changes how big God is and who he is in the midst of the chaos we are getting it wrong. And in no way can we actually be coming alongside someone if we minimalize what they are going through.


Casting Crowns gets the next line right when the lyrics read "Im on the throne, stop holding on and just be held".  So in the middle of our world falling apart remember that no matter what is happening that the Lord is still on the throne and he is still in control.  And even more he is inviting us to be held by him and surrender.  Surrender to the only one who truly can love us.   And the only one who can truly give healing and life.  But for now, in the hard, just sit and be held.

1 year - AJ

I will be honest, yesterday was hard. And I was not able to really put into words what I was feeling or really reflect on the last year as I would have liked.


Yesterday marked one year since AJ was shot and killed. I will always have that night engraved in my mind.  Once again, a sudden loss for my family and one without much closure as there is still an ongoing investigation.


The end of January will mark five years since mom died.  After she died I couldn't think of anything so traumatic happening anytime soon.  Nor did I expect it to.  Yes, there is a healthy level of fear that whenever you get a phone call from a loved one that it could be the thing that stops you in your tracks. But if I am honest the shock of my mom's passing will never compare to my baby brothers at the age of 16.  Nothing prepares you for that call nor the year(s) that follow.


Not a day goes by that I do not think of AJ or miss him.  Every time I saw a group of teenagers or really even one skateboarding, riding their bikes, or walking around I would think about how that should be him.  Knowing friends that have siblings around AJ's age has also made it hard this year. There is always a little extra jab of pain that comes out of nowhere when I am interacting with them.


Leading up to the Christmas holiday and break I found myself excited for a break and for home but anxious as the last two times I went home were not for good things.  As always it was wonderful seeing family even as my heart longed for Lauren to be there. Yet, coming home and walking the same days that led up to that night again left me restless and sad.


And if I am really honest numb because my grief is still so real. 


I kept busy at home and colored.  Found my way to a friends house and got to play with her almost 6 month old daughter.


I tried to sit down and process to not let the day slip by without dealing with my emotions.  However, the words didn't come and I continued to push the sadness away.


Thankfully a good friend of ours, Matt, was Jesus to me yesterday and unknowingly led me to facing my emotions.  Matt brought over dinner, dessert, and a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  I managed to keep it together until him and Carter left but I sat in my house overwhelmed with love that I could not run from my emotions anymore. I was able to spend time with Brian and friends to end the day.  Overall it was okay and what I needed but it was consuming.


So much has happened over the last year.  In spite of the brokenness it has also been a year marked by grace, love, and hope. Not in this world or broken people but in the Lord who is present in the midst of all of the mess.


This second year will not be any easier than last as AJ would have been 18 and graduating High School. But it will be a year of new and exciting things I am sure.  It will be a year of healing, growth, and forgiveness.


And I will continue to choose to wait on the Lord for answers and trust his hand and his timing.