My step-dad, Alan Hoover, tragically took his life on August 4, 2015 after a struggle with mental illness, grief/depression, and drugs. Suicide is something that is hard to understand and process. My relationship with my step-dad was different for a number of reasons but not matter the differences that we had, it is sad that someone can be so broken that they believe that death is the only way out. Sad doesn't do it justice but I am at a loss for words to describe it.
It is hard to now watch my little sister, Lauren, work through and live with her nuclear family all being deceased before her 22nd birthday. Although she has three half sisters and many other family members and friends surrounding her, her idea of family and home has completely been shattered.
And that makes me angry.
It was hard enough to loose AJ after finally feeling like we were getting back onto solid ground after mom's passing. But this loss comes so quickly after AJ's death for which we still do not have answers or closure and have not even begun to dig into the grief that plagues us.
Then about three weeks ago, as Brian and I celebrating the ending to a busy summer term which included 4 of 12 weeks spent apart due to traveling that Brian had for work, church, and licensing school, I sprained my ankle jumping on a trampoline. And if you know me, when I do something I do it well even when its the first time I have ever done it.
I will be honest, I cried for over an hour that day. Not because of the pain (even though it hurt), I cried because it was one more thing. One more thing on a pile of things I have not been able to even deal with yet.
One of the things that brings me joy in this world is jumping on a trampoline. For the first 2mins that we were jumping before I got hurt Brian said that my face showed pure joy.
Its not about the trampoline. Its about in the one moment that I took to enjoy and let go of the stuff that has consumed this year I got hurt. It was of course perfect timing as four days later I would be traveling to Asbury's Memphis location for work to do NSO and 10days later I would attempt to explore Chicago on a vacation that Brian and I had been planning for a year.
I sucked it up and made it through Memphis and Chicago (and even enjoyed them) but sometime between the two trips as I was limping around Asbury's campus, I had a thought, this outer limp that people can see is actually the outer expression of my inner brokenness and pain that people cannot see.
Praying that I can be gentle with myself as both my heart and ankle continue to heal (even if it is slower than I would prefer). And praying for protection over my family as we reorient ourselves to life and that those near to us would continue to surround us with support and love as each of us need.
