Grief

Grief. Its this crazy all encompassing thing that no one can really define for anyone else and it doesn't always look the same depending on the situation or the person experiencing it.

I like things to be straight forward. Black and White.  Right and wrong.  Grief isn't like this.  It affects each of us differently and each of us react differently as we all have different personalities.

With Dori's passing and the grief of those around me as well as mine, people have been talking a lot about grief, loss, and pain.  But we have not really talked about our grief. We have not personalized it.  Well maybe they have and maybe I have missed it.  I don't feel like I have shared much or at all what I want.  Its interesting how lonely grief can feel even when you are surrounded by people who are also grieving.  We all grieve differently and I think we know that too.  This knowledge silences grief. The struggle to be vulnerable seems to be even harder as your grieve due to the fear of letting others into the raw emotions and feelings that come with grief as they are different than others.

I keep having this urge to share and to talk about it.  To share how I am and to let people into the closed door of my home.  To show them that the Megan they see Mon-Friday 8-5pm when you can find me sitting at my desk doing my job and "getting on with life" is giving all she has to make it through the work week.   The Megan on Sunday that you see fighting back tears while she worships the giver of life, just wants to bawl and sit in it and not be worried about others thinking she is not okay. Because, crying is okay. And sometimes I just need to cry.

I should also note that however much I want to talk and share there are only a few that when they ask how I am, do I really want to tell them.  Others ask how I am doing, and they may sincerely want to know how I am, but I am so disconnected from them that there is not a trust built that allows for vulnerability to happen.  And more than likely it is not the time or place for the tears to come.

The irony is that I have wanted to be intentional about making time for our small group that had walked with Dori and loved her throughout the joys and sorrows of the last couple years to really talk and process together. Yet, I have felt myself tense up and not share what is really on my mind and heart.  To share the moments of pain that no ones sees.  To cry with them.  But you see to do so might be uncomfortable. It might not be the best timing.  And really others may not want to talk and share as they deal with their grief differently. And thus silence fills the room.

And so, what I so desperately wish people saw and knew is that the real Megan can be found lacking motivation to do anything more than she absolutely has to do.  The real Megan found herself sitting on the kitchen floor in tears throwing things out of the fridge onto the floor as she puts away groceries the evening that Dori passed.  The same Megan sat the next Saturday in tears on her bedroom floor. And still the next week, after a small group breakfast and errands, you can see the real Megan bawling as she does the dishes alone at home (just one part of being a seminary student spouse).  The real Megan has not slept well since Dori went on hospice because her mind processes so much while she sleeps and dreams that she never turns off enough to really rest. 

Its not hopelessness or depression, its just grief.  And grief takes time.  And for this doer sitting in the grief and patiently waiting on the Lord to lead me through it, is not what I want to do.  We are all our worst critics. But just as we are extending grace to those around us as they grieve, we must also extend grace to ourselves as we grieve.  And its okay if it takes you or them longer than the other to grieve.

Just remember that God is still here and he is still in charge amidst the grief.

Dori's Funeral

So I have been meaning to post the link to the sermon that Teddy Ray gave at Dori's funeral as well as share what I read at the funeral. Excuse the overlap in my first post about Dori and what I shared at the funeral as  I had not expected to share at the funeral but was greatly honored to do so when Matt asked me on the Wednesday morning before.

The sermon given at Dori's funeral:
http://teddyray.com/dori-hundley-deitrich-1986-2014/

And what I shared:

I have been blessed over the last two years to have gotten to know Dori.  Over the last year and a half I have had the privilege to walk next to her through a small group with three other amazing ladies.

It was during this time that I got to experience the loving woman that Dori was.  She loved to laugh, she shared my love of food and more specifically we shared the love of all things bread. And most importantly I got to see her love others as Christ loves us.  And within her roles as a mother, daughter, sister, wife, and friend she loved all deeply.

Dori was strong and independent.  She endured through so much and never skipped a beat.

Even during Dori’s battle with cancer she was able to listen to the things that others were going through and she sincerely wanted to hear about them.  To give you room to feel safe to share and to walk with you and encourage you through it. 

She was vulnerable and invited those around her into a community that could be vulnerable and do life together as a body of believers.  Even on the harder days that I got just a glimpse of, Dori was praising God and rejoicing in the days that the Lord had made and allowed her to experience.  She never took anything for granted.

 She spoke truth in love with a sweet but strong voice. Not always sugar coating it. I think that it is safe to say that we all need someone like that in our lives.  

Dori was beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside.  She was witty, fun, and energetic and loved life in a way that was contagious. She embraced life and all that it handed her.  She did not let cancer define her but allowed her personality and humor to show through.  One memory of this was when Dori sent a picture of her with her newly shaved head wrapped with a beautiful scarf. The caption read, “My New Look for 2014.”  She found joy and strength through it all.

Dori was passionate about helping others.  I never got to see her in action at her job at the hospital as an OT but we all know she never really took that hat off at the end of the day.  Always eager to help and share her knowledge.  She was kind and treated all with respect and grace.

It was only after hearing the following words by Dori (more than once), and maybe you have heard them too,   did I understand a little deeper what it means to have our hope in Christ.

"Why are we so afraid of dying, if as Christians our end goal is to be with Jesus? Then it's okay if I die. I get to be with Jesus."

Yes Dori, you our friend, mother, daughter, sister and wife, are with Jesus now and forever.  And you sweet friend are now completely whole and made new.  No more pain.  And for that, this day, we will rejoice in the Lord.

 

Dori Deitrich

The last few weeks have been hard. Dori Deitrich passed away on Saturday August 2nd a little before noon.  Matt, her mom Claire, the hospice nurse, and Wade (our new pastor at NUMC) were with her during the final moments.  On Wednesday July 23, just eight months after finding out that she had cancer, Dori and family made the decision to go on hospice and stop all treatment.  With this news, as with the initial diagnosis, it was a new level of grief.  However, her passing on Saturday came just 10days after going on hospice and comes with a whole other level of grief.  

Matt called Brian a little after 1pm and asked that he pass along the news.  I happened to be up in Lexington, grocery shopping and he came to find me to tell me in person.  If he hadn't come to find me and tell me in person, I might not have believed him.  I didn't want to believe him in that moment. After calling a few friends and meeting up with others at their home, we began spreading the word to the church community that has surrounded Matt and Dori throughout her fight with cancer.

I have been blessed over the last two years to have gotten to know Dori.  Over the last year and a half I have had the privilege to walk next to her through a small group with three other amazing ladies and friends that I cherish deeply.  I was blessed to see Dori twice during the last few days she was here.  It was hard to see her but so good.  I needed to see her and say goodbye.  If you know Dori you would know that she did not love when people treated her like she was already gone when she was still alive. So I didn't really say goodbye when I was with her but just seeing her was all the closure I needed.

 I had texted her Sunday after they returned to Lexington.  I was not worried that I didn't hear from her right away. I really didn't expect to. Thankful she took the time to text me Monday night.  She apologized for not calling even though she had nothing to apologize for.  It was not until Wednesday afternoon that I heard from her again.  She called.  I know that it was not a small act for her and I am thankful that she called.  I needed to give her a canvas picture that I had made of her and Carter so I stopped by Wednesday afternoon.  I was blessed with 25minutes of time with her and the hope of seeing her again the next evening with the rest of our small group.

Thursday night we were able to be with her, to listen to her, to love her and to help take care of her for two hours.  And Friday marked Matt and Dori's 5 year anniversary.  A few weeks ago she told one of our friends that she just wanted to make it to her anniversary.  And she did.

Dori I wanted to thank you for a few things.
Thank you for:
-sharing my love for all things bread;
-teaching me about "W" sitting, standing on toes, bouncing, overs-extension and all of those other wonderful OT things that you know;
-showing me that some people can hate the feeling of adrenaline and still go kayaking anyway;
-being a part of the community here in KY that opened my heart up again to being vulnerable and to lean into the grief that I came here with;
-loving me with a sweet but strong voice;
-listening and encouraging me in my marriage;
-for the countless adventures over the last year, a random night of dinner and a redbox, getting bread sticks at Joe Bologna's, camping, baseball games and Sunday mornings;
- and last but certainly not least thank you for letting me walk along side you through everything. It was a privilege that I did not take lightly, nor one that I will ever forget.

It was only after hearing the following words by Dori (more than once) over the last few months did I understand a little deeper what it means to have our hope in Christ.

"Why are we so afraid of dying, if as Christians our end goal is to be with Jesus? Then it's okay if I die. I get to be with Jesus."

Yes Dori, you my friend, are with Jesus now and forever.  And you sweet friend are now completely whole and made new.  No more pain.  And for that I will rejoice in the Lord.

Continue to pray for Matt, Carter and all of her family and friends.  And if you are able, please consider to give as you are able: http://www.gofundme.com/piecesoflove